If phone networks ran supermarkets …

Do you realise, when you push your trolley around the supermarket freely dropping into it whatever you want, that you are exercising a sweet freedom which might one day be taken away from us? That is, if mobile phone networks ever take over the supermarkets.

Imagine you need a loaf of bread and a carton of milk. You go in, and twenty minutes later you are at the checkout with your loaf, milk, Nuts magazine, Love Actually DVD and a pack of chewing gum. Just PIN and go. All is well and you are happy.

But when O2 buys out Tesco, it will be very different. You will need to choose a bread/milk bundle consisting of vouchers for the number of loaves and cartons of milk you predict you will need over the coming month. You will also be able to add an optional “Impulse Purchase” pack allowing you to get: one of the Manager’s Specials each month or two bunches of flowers or anything from the indulgence chocolate shelves once a week.

Mobile phone networks have an unlimited capacity to dream up new ways of charging for their services. We are obliged to put ourselves into profiles defined by their marketing departments in order to judge which combination of minutes and texts most closely reflects our pattern of use. Do you talk mostly during the day, or in the evenings? Are you a heavy texter? Do you mainly call people on the same network, a different network or fixed line? Do you keep your phone in the car glovebox or are you the sort of customer who is willing to spend more on phoning than you do on annual holidays?

I shouldn’t have to even think about these things. A phone is an everyday device like a kettle, toothbrush or hairdryer. Admittedly, it’s a mind-bogglingly sophisticated device connected wirelessly to an unbelievably complex global system of masts, cables, satellites and switching centres. But I just want to pick it up and use it. I don’t want to be drawn into becoming a tariff expert. All this billing complication is entirely artificial marketing nonsense, and – to quote a bank commercial – life’s complicated enough.