Building regs by Joseph Heller

This year marks the tenth anniversary of Catch-22 author Joseph Heller’s death. In his satirical novel, the central character is faced with absurd military bureaucratic rules based on circular logic.

I think the late Mr Heller must have had a hand in drafting the building regulations which apply when you have cavity wall insulation. (This is the procedure where they drill holes all over your house and blow fluff into the cavity between the outer and inner walls. The idea is to reduce heat loss, thereby reducing the amount of gas you need to burn and ultimately doing your bit to save the planet.)

The regs say that if you have an open fire (which we do) and you want to make your house all nice and cosy and efficient with cavity wall insulation, you must make a stonking great hole in the wall to let fresh air in. And I’m talking big here. Not just an air brick or trickle vent, but a 100 cm² hole that a baby could crawl through. OK there are grilles over the hole so a baby couldn’t get in, but you get the point.

You can’t even shut the grilles, for that would be against the regs. Sheesh. I know it’s important there is enough oxygen in the room for the occupants to breathe, but all we have done is put fluff in the wall cavity.

How much oxygen was actually getting into the room through two layers of brick, plaster and wallpaper? Here’s an experiment. Go up to the wall as if to kiss it, and blow as hard as you can. Did you manage to exhale even a molecule of air into the wall? Thought not.

So now we have a permanent draught in the living room, thanks to cavity wall insulation and Catch-22 building regulations.